On The Soapbox

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m in custody awaiting trial on a series of robberies, all of which were caught on tape. (7-11 has security cameras. Who knew?) Anyway, whenever I go to court my lawyer never tells the judge what I think he should. Do you have any tips for talking to the judge directly?

All the best,
Vociferous

Dear Vociferous,
I can understand your frustration. The person wearing a suit and tie, who went to law school, passed the bar, and has probably been practicing nothing but criminal law for at least a few years couldn’t possibly express your thoughts as eloquently as you. Plus, there’s probably no risk at all of you saying something that could dig you into a deeper hole than that in which  you’re already sitting.

Here are some things you can tell the judge:

• “It was only $200, why is this a felony?”
• “I didn’t do a burglary, I just stole some stuff.”
• “Will I get my pipe back?”
• “Please fire my lawyer.”
• “This is bullshit.”

Make sure you interrupt the judge, especially if he’s telling you not to speak because you could incriminate yourself.

Try not to read Miranda,
AAP