Beloved II: The Beloveding

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
My baby’s mama recently filed a restraining order against me.  She just doesn’t understand though, I really love her! I think true love conquers all; do I really have to follow the order?

Love,
Still Not Clear

Dear Still Not Clear,
I’m guessing that since a judge granted an order that you’ve already tried some of the standard tactics for getting your woman to love you. Since the basic options haven’t worked, I suggest you hunker down and get truly serious.  Here are some options:

• Break into her house while she’s at work, get nuded up, and wait for her in her bed.  If possible, bring a wide variety of flowers and motorized sex toys.
• Show up at her work and make as big of a scene as possible; I’m talking about elephants and bagpipes here.
• When confronted with the order tell the police that, “it’s just a a piece of paper.”
• If you child is old enough to talk, use her as an intermediary to carry messages. Try to make the salutation short and to the point, something like, “Dear Whore.”

As always, the more she calls the police, the harder you have to work to win her back.

I believe in you,
AAP