Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m currently sitting in custody waiting for my public defender to “finish his investigation.” I can’t make bail, but I hate it in here. It’s BORING. Do you have any suggestions on how I can pass the time?
Thanks,
Orange Isn’t Flattering
Dear Orange Isn’t Flattering,
Before I begin, let me congratulate you on having a family that’s not stupid enough to mortgage their house so their delinquent child can run around breaking the law and getting caught. It would have been nice if they’d raised you to do something like a get a job or go to college, but I find that the lower I keep my expectations the happier I am.
I’m surprised that you haven’t already found one of the many unique diversions that the local jail has to offer. Here are some suggestions:
- Write motions. Make sure to accuse everyone involved in your case of misconduct. Also remember that spelling and grammar aren’t rules, they’re merely suggestions.
- Explore the limits of what you can fit in your rectum; most smartphones aren’t TOO big. If you’re female, you’ve got double the storage capacity!
- On that note, unleash your latent homosexuality. Nothing passes the time like becoming the local Sureno’s latest plaything.
- Get on the jail phone and talk to your co-conspirators. Remember to wait until AFTER the automated “this call is being recorded” warning to detail the plan to hunt down the witnesses against you.
If you’re really in a pinch, you could always start doing drugs. I hear heroin is making a comeback.
Don’t spit on anyone,
AAP
Ask a Prosecutor 