Wall Street

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a defense attorney representing a guy accused of robbery. He’s guilty as sin, a complete douchebag, and  his parents already paid me. In other words, I’m over this case.  The DA is offering a sweetheart deal but my client refuses to budge. How can I get out of losing money for a week doing a trial?

Thanks
In The Red

Dear In The Red,
Wow, you’re being asked to do the job you’re paid for. What a conundrum. God forbid that a private defense attorney take out a bad case once a decade, thus depriving him of buying a bigger set of breasts for his fourth wife.  Here are some ways to get out of it.

• Go in chambers and complain about how stupid your client is. Maybe the judge will declare a doubt.
• Bitch and moan at the DA until your unrelenting obnoxiousness finally convinces him to give your guy probation.
• Continue the case to gather evidence until everyone involved dies of old age.
• Invent a conflict that gives you no choice but to beg off.

If you are forced to go to trial, remember to be as much of an obstructionist as possible.

Have fun with your divorce lawyer,
AAP

Blue Light Special

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a Loss Prevention Officer at the local WalMart. I was walking around the store reading Juggs and polishing off a box of Little Debbies when I saw a kid take a DVD off the shelf and stuff it down his pants. Do you think he’s trying to steal it? What should I do?

Thanks,
Why Don’t They Give Me A Gun?

Dear Why Don’t They Give Me A Gun?
Ok, try to stay calm. First things first: do not, under any circumstances, remember what your suspect looks like.  If you are forced to remember one of his physical characteristics, make it his race; that way, when the police ask you why he looked suspicious, you can say, “He’s [Black/Hispanic].”

Next, do not follow him. Instead, go to the security room and watch him on tape. This will make sure that if the case goes to court, the public defender will have plenty of opportunities to make ridiculous hearsay objections.  I also suggest erasing the surveillance video as quickly as possible. That way, you won’t have to make copies for the DA.

Finally, if you manage to get your lumbering girth into a semblance of a run and actually catch your shoplifter, make absolutely certain that you beat the living hell out of him. Also, if possible, act surly with real law enforcement.

Have fun at community college,
AAP

Little Brothers Everywhere

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I have a family member who started as a prosecutor about a year ago.  I don’t like him very much, but I have to pretend to play nice at family functions. Do you have any subtle ways I can drive him crazy without outright hostility?

Thanks
I Love Law and Order

Dear I Love Law and Order
While annoying a prosecutor isn’t exactly a challenge, doing so while maintaining your own culpable deniability can be an interesting intellectual exercise. My strategy is to act out of both aggression and ignorance. For example:

• “You’re a prosecutor huh? How can you live with yourself when you’re helping those scumbags get off?”
• “I got a DUI last week, can you represent me/get it dismissed? That cop was full of shit”
• “Did your pension get cut? Public employees are sucking the life out of our economy.”
• “I saw a thing about Project Innocence on 20/20 and so I gave them some money. Don’t you think people are wrongly convicted all the time?”
• [Whatever stupid thing] shouldn’t be a crime, man. We have liberties and freedoms!”
• “Why does the judge let people plead not guilty?”

If you really want to hit a home run, ask him the same question every time you see him.

Enjoy community college,
AAP

Why’s It Only Once A Year?

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
April Fool’s Day has come and gone, and once again nothing funny happened in the DA’s office where I work.  I know that whoopie cushions and fake vomit are probably beneath us, but come on; there must be some good ideas out there for next year. Do you have any?

Thanks in advance,
No One Laughing

Dear No One Laughing,
It sounds like your office is full of generic, overworked, soul-crushing monotony.  In other words, par for the course.  I think that some good-natured fun at the expense of your coworkers, the court, or the public defenders is not only preferable, but required to get through the job. Here are some thoughts:

• The easiest targets are your obsessive compulsive coworkers.  Change all of their pens to red ink, slightly shift their furniture, reverse the order of their files…the possibilities are endless.
• Another good group is the brand new misdemeanor DAs.  I like to give them rapes or murders and say something like, “If this case gets called, can you dismiss it for me? I need to hit Starbucks.”
• Are you a judge? Tell the attorneys that they have to do trust falls before chambers conferences.
• Are you a public defender? Just be yourself. You couldn’t possibly do anything more ridiculous.

Finally, whoopie cushions and fake vomit are ten times as hilarious in open court.

Watch out for sexual harassment claims,
AAP

On The Soapbox

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m in custody awaiting trial on a series of robberies, all of which were caught on tape. (7-11 has security cameras. Who knew?) Anyway, whenever I go to court my lawyer never tells the judge what I think he should. Do you have any tips for talking to the judge directly?

All the best,
Vociferous

Dear Vociferous,
I can understand your frustration. The person wearing a suit and tie, who went to law school, passed the bar, and has probably been practicing nothing but criminal law for at least a few years couldn’t possibly express your thoughts as eloquently as you. Plus, there’s probably no risk at all of you saying something that could dig you into a deeper hole than that in which  you’re already sitting.

Here are some things you can tell the judge:

• “It was only $200, why is this a felony?”
• “I didn’t do a burglary, I just stole some stuff.”
• “Will I get my pipe back?”
• “Please fire my lawyer.”
• “This is bullshit.”

Make sure you interrupt the judge, especially if he’s telling you not to speak because you could incriminate yourself.

Try not to read Miranda,
AAP

That And The Pills

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m an avid reader of your blog, and I’m starting to get a little worried. You seem so unhappy. Isn’t there anything about your job that puts a smile on your face?

Sincerely,
Puppies, Candy, and Rainbows

Dear Puppies, Candy, and Rainbows,
Of course! Even someone who spends day after day, week after week dealing with the most wretched, disgusting, faith-destroying “people” in existence,  I still find glimmers of hope and happiness. Here are some things that never fail to make me smile:

• Whenever a defendant tells the judge he thinks his attorney is incompetent
• Vandalism cases occurring in trailer parks
• Getting to say things like “anal beads” out loud in front of a large group of strangers
• Pro per defendants
• The word “Guilty.”
• Alcohol

Also, I can’t lie: whenever I see a guy with a swastika tattoo on his face come out of the jail with a black eye and a missing tooth, I giggle like a little kid.

Enjoy your Prozac,
AAP

It’s Just Salsa

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
My girlfriend just ran out of our apartment crying because we had an argument, and also because I stabbed her in the arm.  I’m getting the feeling that the police are going to be here soon. What should I do?

Desperately,
Tick Tock

Dear Tick Tock,
Ok, the first thing you have to consider is your state of mind. Whatever you do, do NOT remain calm. Get as worked up and hysterical as possible. Next, consider how you’re going to spend your time.  You could try to clean up the physical evidence, but let’s be honest: even if you knew how to get bloodstains out of sheets, carpet, your shirt, hair, and off the wall, you wouldn’t have time to do it. Not to mention that your girlfriend is still running around with a gash in her arm; unless you live in an area with a robust population of velociraptors, you’re hosed.

I suggest using your time to formulate a story. Many defense attorneys will tell you to exercise your right to remain silent, but you’ve got to get ahead of the game. You don’t have much time, so here are some suggestions to get you started:

• “Someone broke in and bled all over my house.”
• “She’s having a heavy flow day.”
• “I stabbed her in self defense.”
• “We were role-playing ‘Dexter.'”
• “Bitch had it coming.”

Hope you can afford restitution,
AAP

24 Hours, Mostly Misspent

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m currently sitting in custody waiting for my public defender to “finish his investigation.”  I can’t make bail, but I hate it in here. It’s BORING. Do you have any suggestions on how I can pass the time?

Thanks,
Orange Isn’t Flattering

Dear Orange Isn’t Flattering,
Before I begin, let me congratulate you on having a family that’s not stupid enough to mortgage their house so their delinquent child can run around breaking the law and getting caught.  It would have been nice if they’d raised you to do something like a get a job or go to college, but I find that the lower I keep my expectations the happier I am.

I’m surprised that you haven’t already found one of the many unique diversions that the local jail has to offer.  Here are some suggestions:

• Write motions.  Make sure to accuse everyone involved in your case of misconduct.  Also remember that spelling and grammar aren’t rules, they’re merely suggestions.
• Explore the limits of what you can fit in your rectum; most smartphones aren’t TOO big. If you’re female, you’ve got double the storage capacity!
• On that note, unleash your latent homosexuality.  Nothing passes the time like becoming the local Sureno’s latest plaything.
• Get on the jail phone and talk to your co-conspirators. Remember to wait until AFTER the automated “this call is being recorded” warning to detail the plan to hunt down the witnesses against you.

If you’re really in a pinch, you could always start doing drugs. I hear heroin is making a comeback.

Don’t spit on anyone,
AAP

I Hear It’s Great In Coffee

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I just got arrested for my 12th meth possession offense, but I swear it wasn’t meth. Also, it wasn’t mine. I’ve been through all the treatment programs, all the diversion programs, even the in-patient rehab program. I’m totally clean. Seriously.  I don’t think I’m going to get another break, but I can’t go to jail! That place is for criminals.  Any advice for me?

Thanks
Those Aren’t My Pants

Dear Those Aren’t My Pants
Nope. You’re screwed unless you find a defense attorney who’s such an obnoxious true believer that the prosecutor gives you a program so she’ll just shut up.  However, I can give you some advice for when you get out:

• Definitely keep smoking meth in the same place that you always do. Preferably somewhere outside, brightly lit, where the police know you.
• Meth gives you energy; burn it off by wandering around the neighborhood at 4am.
• Selling meth is a great way to make money to buy more meth.
• Remember, amphetamine “stimulates” you; make sure you have a nearby stash of hardcore pornography, or at least access to the internet.
• Try to melt the meth in the bottom of your pipe so it looks like you don’t have any actual drugs; that always fools the police.

Of course, you could always just stop taking drugs, but let’s be realistic.

See a dentist,
AAP

Nobody Wants To Be Here, And Yet…

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,

I’m a defense attorney who has recently started trial with a young upstart deputy DA. As I’m sure you know, trials are extremely cost ineffective for defense attorneys, and I’m losing money hand over fist. The prosecutor won’t give me a break, and my client won’t take a deal. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Not A Ponzi Scheme

Dear Not A Ponzi Scheme,
For the most part the burden of a trial falls on the prosecutor. We have to provide all of the evidence, get the case to trial on time, and be the good guys. Defense attorneys can just sit there with undiscovered impeachment statements and talk about how there weren’t any fingerprints or DNA. Frankly, I’m glad you’re losing money because it means that you’re just as miserable as the DA is.

That’s not to say that I won’t answer your question. I assume you’ve already tried telling your client that when (not if) he’s convicted he will go to prison for 10,000 years and his children will be sold into slave labor. Since he won’t budge, you’ll need to annoy the prosecutor to the point that he can’t bear the sight of you and will plead the case out just to avoid listening to your grating, whining, barely coherent voice. Here are some suggestions:

• Run every motion you can think of, whether it has anything to do with anything. Miranda, suppression, dismissal, bail review, motion to compel…whatever you can think of.
• File a trial brief exceeding 50 pages. Make sure to cite case law from 20 years ago, preferably interpreting federal law or at least from a state that you’re not currently in.
• Use every opportunity to call the DA a racist. This works especially well if you yourself are a 55 year old white man.
• When the judge excludes your ridiculous “evidence” that does nothing but garner sympathy or make the victim of a crime feel bad, ask questions about it anyway.
• Make up evidence in closing argument.
• Use the phrase “prosecutorial misconduct” at least twice a day, preferably in front of the jury.

Good luck with the bar complaint,
AAP