Wall Street

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a defense attorney representing a guy accused of robbery. He’s guilty as sin, a complete douchebag, and  his parents already paid me. In other words, I’m over this case.  The DA is offering a sweetheart deal but my client refuses to budge. How can I get out of losing money for a week doing a trial?

Thanks
In The Red

Dear In The Red,
Wow, you’re being asked to do the job you’re paid for. What a conundrum. God forbid that a private defense attorney take out a bad case once a decade, thus depriving him of buying a bigger set of breasts for his fourth wife.  Here are some ways to get out of it.

• Go in chambers and complain about how stupid your client is. Maybe the judge will declare a doubt.
• Bitch and moan at the DA until your unrelenting obnoxiousness finally convinces him to give your guy probation.
• Continue the case to gather evidence until everyone involved dies of old age.
• Invent a conflict that gives you no choice but to beg off.

If you are forced to go to trial, remember to be as much of an obstructionist as possible.

Have fun with your divorce lawyer,
AAP

All the DA’s Men

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’ve had it up to here with you government types! All you want to do is oppress people and convict the innocent. I’ve seen those articles. You fancy lawyers making $500 an hour just conspire with the cops to fabricate evidence. All you want to do is get your conviction, you don’t care how you get it.

F you,
Rod-ney King! Rod-ney King!

Dear Rod-ney King! Rod-ney King!,
You know what, you’re absolutely right. I want to spend as much time as possible putting people who did nothing wrong in prison, preferably for the rest of their lives. I care so much about those commercial burglaries, vandalisms, and bar fights that I’m going to:

1. Take time out of my day to get together with some police officers to fabricate such an airtight plan,
2. Somehow create fake surveillance camera footage,
3. Convince five civilian witnesses who hate me to lie on the stand and finally,
4. Convict some guy who I’ve never met, and don’t care about, of a crime.

Since I have all that extra time, I’m also thinking about starting a scone home delivery service; I’ll just use some of the extra cash lying around the county coffers to start the business.

Speaking of money, I totally make $500 an hour. That’s why I drive a 10 year old Kia and live in a rented one bedroom apartment. It’s also why I don’t have any student loans to pay off, nor any credit card debt. In fact, sometimes the county feels benevolent and just gives us $10,000 raises!

Say hi to your cousin the next time you’re in the clink,
AAP

Calm Is For Wimps

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I was recently arrested and I’d like to take my case to trial. How can I make myself more likeable for the jury?

Regards,
I Wasn’t Even There

Dear I Wasn’t Even There,
There are two main factors for impressing a jury of your peers: appearance and conduct.

As far as appearance, choose your clothing wisely. Please only wear your best Cleveland Browns jersey, brand new flip flops, and cut off jean shorts. If you’re female, a miniskirt, tube top, and hooker shoes will also do nicely.

Of course, if you’re in custody you don’t have many clothing options. I suggest jail tattoos. However, keep in mind that no one will be able to see them unless they’re on your neck and face. Make sure they’re large and clear; if they’re words, make sure they’re legible, misspelled, and racially or sexually derogatory if at all possible.

As far as conduct, be animated! Sigh, moan, swear under your breath. Slam your hand on the table, yell at your attorney or the judge, or even other witnesses. And please, make absolutely sure you testify; when you do, summon all of your anger and hostility and save it for the prosecutor’s cross examination.

Finally, if you really want to make an impression, do something creative with your own feces.

Make a good first impression,
AAP

Natural Born Idiot

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a 20 year old woman with no criminal history. A few weeks ago I met a hot guy in the parking lot of Burger King and we really hit it off. The only problem is that he just got out of prison! It’s OK though, when we were cuddling in the back of his trailer he told me he had a really bad lawyer and he was actually innocent. He’s on parole so he can’t get a job; how can I help him get back on his feet?

Kisses!
Daddy Will Hate This Guy

Dear Daddy Will Hate This Guy,
You should absolutely believe him. No parolee has ever lied to a young woman, especially one who’s willing to “cuddle” in his trailer. Obviously you don’t want him to go back to school or learn some kind of trade, because that’s boring and it takes forever. Plus, you don’t want some teacher helping to fix his life; he’s your project!

I suggest robbing liquor stores. Here are some tips:

• Make sure you buy a gun, because guns are totally awesome. Buy it with your credit card if possible, register it to you, and get your fingerprints all over it.
• Hooded sweatshirts are the best disguise ever.
• Pick a store that you shop at frequently, that’s near your house, or that’s near a police station.
• Spend an hour with the curling iron, and go for a “smokey eye” when putting on your makeup.  That way your mugshot will be hot.

Finally, if you ever catch your new man checking out another woman, threaten to call his parole officer and send him back to prison. He’ll love that.

XOXO
AAP