Not Exactly Dolce & Gabbana

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,

I’m a defense attorney who lacks self-esteem.  I’d like to spruce up my appearance so I look less like a shyster in front of the jury. Any tips on how to dress for success?

Yours truly,

What’s a Dry Cleaner?

 

Dear What’s a Dry Cleaner?

Looking the part is a key element in becoming a successful trial attorney.  However, the rules are different for prosecutors and defense attorneys. While DAs typically want to look professional, stoic, and conservative, defense lawyers can dress with a little more…personality.  I don’t know if you’re a man or woman, so I’ll give you some advice for both.

Men: Do you own a pocket square to match every one of your ties? What about other accessories such as pens, folders, and glasses? Remember, nothing screams credibility like color coordination. Also, you have to make some important choices on your hair, both head and facial. I personally like dreadlocks of at least 8 inches with an uncombed, somewhat mangy beard.  You might also try the Friar Tuck combover, but please, only do this if you have a potbelly and own suspenders.

Women: One word: breasts.  You have them, and the underthings to make them all they can be. Jurors are bored within the first five minutes of trial, and the men in the box will surely appreciate something to look at other than that  guy on the witness stand who got robbed or something.  If you can, park yourself as close as possible to a male juror throughout the trial, making sure to execute the “lean and squeeze” maneuver.  Be careful, however, not to alienate your female jurors. I suggest dropping dozens of allusions to your newborn child or the difficulty of being a working mother.

It wouldn’t hurt to do some situps too,

AAP

Hell Hath

Dear Ask a Prosecutor:

I’m a recently divorced 53 year old defense attorney.  Lately I’ve noticed that the local District Attorney’s office has shifted their hiring policies to focus on attractive young women.  If I compliment these young ladies on their appearance, will they give my clients better deals? What about date me?

Thanks

It’s Been More Than Four Hours

 

Dear It’s Been More Than Four Hours,

There’s nothing that younger, single, female prosecutors love more than defense attorneys in their 50s talking about their looks. It’s not uncomfortable, creepy, or demeaning at all.  They definitely will not tell all of their coworkers that you’re slimy and disgusting.  And everyone knows that female lawyers will do anything you want as long as you talk about their body, especially their legs.

As far as dating, go right ahead!  I’m sure the divorce was because your ex-wife is a snaggletoothed nightmare and not because you barely make a living helping deadbeats and scumbags avoid responsibility for their actions.

Good luck with the alimony hearing,

AAP

PS: Make sure to call them “young lady” or even better, “sweetie.” Chicks love that.