Why’s It Only Once A Year?

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
April Fool’s Day has come and gone, and once again nothing funny happened in the DA’s office where I work.  I know that whoopie cushions and fake vomit are probably beneath us, but come on; there must be some good ideas out there for next year. Do you have any?

Thanks in advance,
No One Laughing

Dear No One Laughing,
It sounds like your office is full of generic, overworked, soul-crushing monotony.  In other words, par for the course.  I think that some good-natured fun at the expense of your coworkers, the court, or the public defenders is not only preferable, but required to get through the job. Here are some thoughts:

• The easiest targets are your obsessive compulsive coworkers.  Change all of their pens to red ink, slightly shift their furniture, reverse the order of their files…the possibilities are endless.
• Another good group is the brand new misdemeanor DAs.  I like to give them rapes or murders and say something like, “If this case gets called, can you dismiss it for me? I need to hit Starbucks.”
• Are you a judge? Tell the attorneys that they have to do trust falls before chambers conferences.
• Are you a public defender? Just be yourself. You couldn’t possibly do anything more ridiculous.

Finally, whoopie cushions and fake vomit are ten times as hilarious in open court.

Watch out for sexual harassment claims,
AAP

On The Soapbox

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m in custody awaiting trial on a series of robberies, all of which were caught on tape. (7-11 has security cameras. Who knew?) Anyway, whenever I go to court my lawyer never tells the judge what I think he should. Do you have any tips for talking to the judge directly?

All the best,
Vociferous

Dear Vociferous,
I can understand your frustration. The person wearing a suit and tie, who went to law school, passed the bar, and has probably been practicing nothing but criminal law for at least a few years couldn’t possibly express your thoughts as eloquently as you. Plus, there’s probably no risk at all of you saying something that could dig you into a deeper hole than that in which  you’re already sitting.

Here are some things you can tell the judge:

• “It was only $200, why is this a felony?”
• “I didn’t do a burglary, I just stole some stuff.”
• “Will I get my pipe back?”
• “Please fire my lawyer.”
• “This is bullshit.”

Make sure you interrupt the judge, especially if he’s telling you not to speak because you could incriminate yourself.

Try not to read Miranda,
AAP

Stop Signs Are Suggestions

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a drug runner for the local branch of the 18th Street Gang. Although I’ve been mostly a small time mule, I’ve recently been promoted! I have to pick up six kilos of uncut Bogota boullion at the airport from some guy name Juan. Any advice on making my first major run a success?

Thanks,
At Least I’m Not Swallowing Heroin Bindles

Dear At Least I’m Not Swallowing Heroin Bindles,
By far the most important piece of advice I can give you is act normal.  If you’d do it going to LAX to pick up your cousin, then do it on the way to pick up $120,000 worth of blow.  Here are some examples:

• Drink and smoke weed both before and during the trip. This will also steady your nerves and improve your decision making.
• Park illegally at the airport. If possible, pay with a credit card
• Wear a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses in the terminal
• Make sure to put the coke in the front seat (that way you can belt it in).
• Speed, swerve, don’t use your blinker, and above all drive a car with expired tags.
• After you’ve been Mirandized, admit to everything and snitch on everyone you know.

Finally, make sure you stock up on magazines. They don’t have body armor in prison.

Watch your back,
AAP

That And The Pills

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m an avid reader of your blog, and I’m starting to get a little worried. You seem so unhappy. Isn’t there anything about your job that puts a smile on your face?

Sincerely,
Puppies, Candy, and Rainbows

Dear Puppies, Candy, and Rainbows,
Of course! Even someone who spends day after day, week after week dealing with the most wretched, disgusting, faith-destroying “people” in existence,  I still find glimmers of hope and happiness. Here are some things that never fail to make me smile:

• Whenever a defendant tells the judge he thinks his attorney is incompetent
• Vandalism cases occurring in trailer parks
• Getting to say things like “anal beads” out loud in front of a large group of strangers
• Pro per defendants
• The word “Guilty.”
• Alcohol

Also, I can’t lie: whenever I see a guy with a swastika tattoo on his face come out of the jail with a black eye and a missing tooth, I giggle like a little kid.

Enjoy your Prozac,
AAP

24 Hours, Mostly Misspent

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m currently sitting in custody waiting for my public defender to “finish his investigation.”  I can’t make bail, but I hate it in here. It’s BORING. Do you have any suggestions on how I can pass the time?

Thanks,
Orange Isn’t Flattering

Dear Orange Isn’t Flattering,
Before I begin, let me congratulate you on having a family that’s not stupid enough to mortgage their house so their delinquent child can run around breaking the law and getting caught.  It would have been nice if they’d raised you to do something like a get a job or go to college, but I find that the lower I keep my expectations the happier I am.

I’m surprised that you haven’t already found one of the many unique diversions that the local jail has to offer.  Here are some suggestions:

• Write motions.  Make sure to accuse everyone involved in your case of misconduct.  Also remember that spelling and grammar aren’t rules, they’re merely suggestions.
• Explore the limits of what you can fit in your rectum; most smartphones aren’t TOO big. If you’re female, you’ve got double the storage capacity!
• On that note, unleash your latent homosexuality.  Nothing passes the time like becoming the local Sureno’s latest plaything.
• Get on the jail phone and talk to your co-conspirators. Remember to wait until AFTER the automated “this call is being recorded” warning to detail the plan to hunt down the witnesses against you.

If you’re really in a pinch, you could always start doing drugs. I hear heroin is making a comeback.

Don’t spit on anyone,
AAP

Why Don’t You Have a Seat?

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I spend a lot of time on the internet. Lately, I’ve been having super hawt chat sex with…well, girls who may not quiiite be of age.  A couple even invited me over! Should I go? Is that bad?

Best,
Flop Sweat

Dear Flop Sweat,
My mother always said it’s rude to turn down an invitation to call on someone, especially if your relationship started with the phrase, “A/S/L???”  The internet is absolutely teeming with 11 year old girls who want nothing more than to get hot and bothered. There’s no possible way that they’re actually FBI agents or creepy 45 year old men.  You can tell because prepubescent kids never play Wii or go to soccer practice; instead, they’re looking for ways to sext with people thirty years older than them.  In fact, most 12 year olds are actually huge sluts, and totally want it.

Additionally, the first thing you do when meeting someone on the internet is give them your real name, phone number, and address.  No sting operations or popular television shows have ever started with exactly that premise.

Finally, make sure to bring a dozen weird sex toys with you on your visit.

Ignore the guy lying in the bushes dressed in camo,

AAP
PS: Tell the jury you thought she was 21 or she came onto you. Juries love that.

Nobody Wants To Be Here, And Yet…

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,

I’m a defense attorney who has recently started trial with a young upstart deputy DA. As I’m sure you know, trials are extremely cost ineffective for defense attorneys, and I’m losing money hand over fist. The prosecutor won’t give me a break, and my client won’t take a deal. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Not A Ponzi Scheme

Dear Not A Ponzi Scheme,
For the most part the burden of a trial falls on the prosecutor. We have to provide all of the evidence, get the case to trial on time, and be the good guys. Defense attorneys can just sit there with undiscovered impeachment statements and talk about how there weren’t any fingerprints or DNA. Frankly, I’m glad you’re losing money because it means that you’re just as miserable as the DA is.

That’s not to say that I won’t answer your question. I assume you’ve already tried telling your client that when (not if) he’s convicted he will go to prison for 10,000 years and his children will be sold into slave labor. Since he won’t budge, you’ll need to annoy the prosecutor to the point that he can’t bear the sight of you and will plead the case out just to avoid listening to your grating, whining, barely coherent voice. Here are some suggestions:

• Run every motion you can think of, whether it has anything to do with anything. Miranda, suppression, dismissal, bail review, motion to compel…whatever you can think of.
• File a trial brief exceeding 50 pages. Make sure to cite case law from 20 years ago, preferably interpreting federal law or at least from a state that you’re not currently in.
• Use every opportunity to call the DA a racist. This works especially well if you yourself are a 55 year old white man.
• When the judge excludes your ridiculous “evidence” that does nothing but garner sympathy or make the victim of a crime feel bad, ask questions about it anyway.
• Make up evidence in closing argument.
• Use the phrase “prosecutorial misconduct” at least twice a day, preferably in front of the jury.

Good luck with the bar complaint,
AAP

The Rules

Dear Ask a Prosecutor,
I’m a brand new deputy prosecutor.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but court is so boring. Everyone takes forever to do anything and the defense attorneys never tell anyone they’re going to be 3 hours late.   How can I handle the horrible monotony of day-to-day court?

Thanks,
Only 26 Years To Retirement

Dear Only 26 Years to Retirement,
One of the most important lessons a prosecutor needs to learn is how to deal with sitting on your butt for hours on end while your work piles up in your office.  Here are some tips on making it through yet another soul-crushing day:

• Always follow the #1 Rule: Go Home Early
• Always follow the #2 Rule: Arrive at Work Hungover
• Get healthy! Don’t work out or anything, just schedule doctor’s appointments every morning. Make sure you get indignant if anyone ever calls you on it.
  
• Mess with the defendants’ heads. Whenever you see a defendant, stand within a few feet of them. Pull out your phone and make a fake call. Then start talking loudly about how you’re going to add new enhancements to that defendant’s case and how he’s going to prison for 20 years.
• Angry Birds

Enjoy the next two decades of breaking up families,
AAP